I’ve recently been listening to the audiobook Nudge, by Nobel Prize winner Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein. I had to double check the copyright date on it (2008) because their advice on 401ks has definitely not gotten through to many of us. They give a lot of advice on how you should go about investing in your 401k but since it seems that, ten years later, it’s still ignored, I’m going the other way and telling you how to really screw it up. It’s my theory that there will then be a better chance of doing it right.
Don’t worry about where your investment advice is coming from. Especially don’t find out whether the “advisor” has any qualifications. Who cares how he or she is getting paid?—you’ll still get unbiased advice even if they work for a specific company and just happen to get a bonus for that company’s products. A broker is every bit as good as a CFP, right, and who knows the difference anyway?
A robo-advisor is perfectly acceptable. Filling out a questionnaire sure beats talking to someone about your personal situation. Cheaper and easier, too. And a computer program will definitely have your best interests at heart.
Content yourself with whatever default selection the company puts you in. So what if that’s a money-market fund and you make .03% for the next 20 years—you’re invested, right?
Better yet, choose your own. Want some fun? Choose two or three target retirement funds, with different years. Who knows when you’ll retire? Sure it’s the same investments, but with different proportions, so that’s diversification, no?
Let’s be fancy. Maybe a target date fund seems a little boring, so let’s mix it up with a stable value fund and an S&P 500 fund. Now we really have no idea what the risk factor is for the overall portfolio, but, well, diversification is good, right? Even better if you see the words growth, high income, or special situation in the name of the fund, that’s the one for you, because everybody wants those qualities.
Buy a lot of your company’s stock. Maybe you can even get it at a discount. Management will surely smile on this. And if the company takes a big downturn, not only can you get laid off, but at the same time you can lose all your retirement. But that’s not going to happen because you can be sure the company will be sold and you’ll get rich off the buyout. Just ask the former employees of Enron and Worldcom.
Never contribute more than the company will match. Because who wants tax savings? Who wants investments to grow tax free? And besides, you’re saving 3% so that ought to be enough for retirement, right?
Never increase your savings rate. Even if you get a raise, why should you waste it on savings?
Start as late as possible to contribute. Your fifties seem about right. You’ll have plenty of time to enjoy life down to the last penny now, and can worry about retirement later. And later. And later.
Never offer any input on the plan when you have the opportunity. We can all trust our employers to be much more concerned with retirement than we are. They’ll worry about keeping fees low for employees (not how much the plan costs the employer) and will make sure you have plenty of low cost index funds to choose from. They know best.
When you change jobs, either cash out the account or forget about it. Cashing it out is the most fun, until tax time rolls around. But the easier way is just to forget about it, and not bother with whatever it’s invested in. That way you’ll never know how much you have, be bothered worrying about the return, and it might just go to the state as an abandoned account.
Okay, folks, because this is the internet, I want to be perfectly clear that this is satire, not advice. No one should act on investment advice without consulting an advisor (or doing sufficient research) to reach decisions based on your personal situation. But I think Thaler and Sunstein might agree that doing the opposite of what’s in this post might be the better course.